Masculinity and Therapy
Why bother to use the lens of masculinity or gender when often a young person is coming for more concrete reasons such as defiance in the classroom, anxious thoughts, a learning disability, or other issues that impede on their life? Gender is crucial in our development, and to treat a person solely through the narrow lens of a specific issue could miss a deeper cause. For instance, consider a young boy that struggles with a learning disability and pours himself into online gaming. To pursue the learning disability solely misses that this boy wants to succeed and attain status amongst his peers in an exciting, competitive environment. The stories in video games also provide him access to a fantasy world that his LD makes it difficult to attain through reading. Boys like this are pursuing a route to manhood that will bear little real life, long-term fruit. In my practice, I aim to honor his drive to succeed, and still nourish opportunities for success in the real world.
At the same time, it’s important to have a balanced approach to masculinity. There are strong cultural forces that polarize boys; such as the beliefs that boys are more aggressive, are better in math, can’t sit still, are leaders, mature more slowly – just to name a few. There’s also no shortage of role models that seem to fit so neatly into these boxes: aggressive lawyers, video game war heroes, pop icons, and populist politicians. These beliefs and male icons become measures of masculinity that can either make or break a young man’s sense of themselves.
There are also great theories and movements emerging for males that counter traditional beliefs. The concept of toxic masculinity is a helpful lens to discern the impact of basing male identity on emotional isolation and the desire for power over others. Masculinity theory has evolved to provide new narratives and paths to help men build healthier identities that rely on rituals of manhood, interpersonal skills, and fostering emotional intelligence in boys (see these resources for examples: Iron John; No More Mr. Nice Guy; Raising Boys; Boys Adrift).
In my role as therapist, I keep a gender lens on to support my understanding of the issues that brought the person to therapy. You might say that I always bet that there is a male identity component to the treatment issue. Bringing a young man’s thoughts and feelings about their gender identity adds depth to the reasoning behind the presenting issues (such as an addiction, anxiety, sexual dysfunction, school avoidance, and so on). This depth provides more entry points to challenge maladaptive thinking patterns, and create belief systems that promote wellness. This lens works alongside other factors such as a CBT skillset, a collaborative relationship, professional ethics, and ultimately respect for the client. Weaving masculinity into common best practices keeps the therapeutic relationship moving towards the client’s initial hopes and goals for therapy.